My Own Personal Sadness Troll

The inspirational Havi Brooks has several posts about talking to your monsters (fears, anxieties, stresses) about what they need and why they're doing what they're doing. She even suggests bringing in an (imaginary) negotiator if that would help.

My biggest problems at the moment aren't fears so much as sadness and anger. So I set up an interview with my own personal Sadness Troll. I picture him as huge and hairy, with big, weepy eyes - in fact, he looks a lot like the Muppet who helps to sell used cars in "The Muppet Movie". (Thanks to Wikipedia, I've now discovered that this Muppet is called "Sweetums" - more about Sweetums here!)

This was how the interview went. (I'm not sure exactly what the interviewer looked like, but let's assume he looked a bit like Kerry O'Brien.) There has been some post-production editing, but the basic insights were there at the start.

Interviewer: Why do you make Luke so sad?
Sadness Troll: I have to keep reminding him that he needs to be successful! So yes, he gets sad when he doesn't measure up, but he needs reminding!
Int: Why does he need to be successful?
ST: Hmmm ... not sure. Because a lot of his identity has been bound up with that ever since school? Because people expect it of him?
Int: Could he try being different instead? "Dropping out" in some metaphorical sense? Become a "virtual" hippy or pilgrim? You know, he's got the hair to be a hippy ... What about "be the change you want to see"? How about if he tried to be compassionate instead?
ST: Hmmm ... I'll have to think about that, but it might work.
(Sadness Troll wanders off, looking less depressed for the first time in a long time.)

Another part of the interview that got cut from the program was this:

ST: We need to see results, or we'll never know if he's getting anywhere!
Int: Isn't that negative reinforcement? Don't you remember that exercise that Luke did where he listed all the positive motivational techniques that worked for him?
ST: ... oh yeah. That's right. How about that.

Besides Havi, it looks to me like the interviewer also drew on Personal Alignment from the Core Protocols - identifying a goal, working out what's blocking you, what you'd need to overcome that block, and repeating as necessary. Finally, the exercise that I've done previously to list postive motivational techniques came from Barbara Sher's "Live the life you love And Stop Just Getting By". For the record, at the top of the list were:

spirituality and praying; competition (including against myself); receiving praise; getting help from friends; starting small; deadlines (if well-defined and realistic).

I gave these an A for how well they work for me; shaming got a D, and scolding, built and lecturing got an F.

So maybe there are some techniques that the Sadness Troll could pick up ...

My Favourite Core Protocols

I already mentioned the Core Protocols in my first post on this blog. But maybe I need to say more about just how powerful and effective - let's admit it, how cool - they are. Here are my four favourite protocols, in some kind of order. (For reference, there's a link on this page to V3 of the Core Protocols, in PDF form.)

A word of explanation: yes, they're called protocols. But don't think of them like a Japanese tea ceremony. Colleagues of mine have commented that they're like Robert's Rules of Order, which is closer to the truth, but they're much more succinct and general. Think of them more as tools to use if you want greater productivity, more effective teamwork, and maybe even a fuller and richer life.

Decider
This really works. Making decisions in a team can be quick, easy and effective. This protocol allows anyone to cut through endless debates and get to the meat of the matter. It can be used to speed up meetings, or even achieve a consensus on whatever you want: a protocol, an approach, a goal, a vision. Though the consensus might not match the idea you were thinking of at the start, it is possible to converge on an idea that everyone can support.

Check In
The Check In protocol is all about expressing your own emotions, and allowing - even encouraging this - in a team context. It's valuable for building trust in a team, but a Check In is most valuable for the person expressing their emotions: having to articulate how you feel is key to being in touch with yourself.

This protocol also ties in with two different books that I've been reading lately. One is called "Assertiveness: Step by Step" by Dr Windy Dryden and Daniel Constantinou. It defines assertion as "the flexible pursuit of having our preferences met, our opinions voiced, our emotions and beliefs honestly communicated in an appropriate way at the relevant time". Honestly communicating beliefs is what Check In is all about.

The other is "Peoplemaking" by Virginia Satir. This is an older book - it may be out of print now; I bought it second-hand through Abebooks. Virginia Satir was a family therapist, but I heard about her through reading what software developers and managers were writing, in particular those associated with the AYE conference. She claimed that when one is feeling threatened, one can react in five different ways: by blaming, placating, computing, distracting or leveling. Of these, leveling - matching one's words to one's feelings and one's expressions and body language - is the only healthy response in the long-term. And this is what Checking In is all about. So this protocol is connecting with a whole lot of things for me and making a lot of sense.

Ask For Help
I've been amazed at the quality of the answers and help that I've got from using this protocol. Yes, people have sometimes said no, but that's fine, that's part of the protocol.

There's two things in particular that I appreciate about this protocol.

Firstly, it removes the shame from asking for help - something that I have had trouble with in the past. Asking For Help (using the protocol) is emphasized in the Core Protocols and supporting material (including the book Software For Your Head) as the best way for the team to achieve its goals. In fact, it's made clear that you can't Ask For Help enough.

Secondly, part of the protocol is that you should only provide help when you're asked. Providing help when you're not asked is dubbed a Rescue (one of the team Anti-Patterns). This leads to less unwanted advice and (as I'm slowly coming to understand) less chance of overpoliteness and oversensitivity (two faults that I'm prone to).

Personal Alignment
It may seem a strange tool to use when trying to achieve better teamwork, but the Personal Alignment protocol is all about achieving your own individual goals. The protocol is all about listing these goals, putting them on record, then working out what would help you most to achieve those goals. Other team members are encouraged to help in the process. I'd identified long-term goals for myself years ago - helping others, making a significant difference in the world - but using this protocol with others' help has really helped me understand myself that much better. I'd set up obstacles for myself that I hadn't fully realised; naming them and bringing them into the light has shrunk them in my mind.

For the record, building Ighalsk into a game that people want to play and enjoy playing, and building a community around Ighalsk are two of my short to medium-term goals; and wisdom is what I most need to help achieve that goal. This includes, but is not limited to, the wisdom to understand what people are looking for, and where people are. And wisdom is something that I'm still seeking - I'm very aware that I still need much more wisdom!

EDITED: 3 typos corrected - thanks Harold!

EDITED AGAIN (2nd August 02009): As pointed out in comments, the link in the last sentence of the first paragraph is broken. Here is where you can download v3.02 of the Core Protocols.